Don’t Glorify Abusers: Plea from Father of Murder Victim Lilie James

Summary:

Lilie James’ parents spoke outside court, urging media to avoid positive reporting on alleged perpetrators of domestic or gendered violence. NSW state coroner Teresa O’Sullivan supported this plea in her findings from the inquest into the deaths of Lilie and her killer, Paul Thijssen. O’Sullivan recommended measures to address technology-facilitated abuse and promote education on coercive controlling behaviors.

What This Means for You:

• Be cautious of seemingly harmless positive comments about alleged abusers; they can downplay the severity of domestic violence.
• Recognize the importance of addressing technology-facilitated abuse and promoting education on coercive controlling behaviors.
• Encourage young individuals to be aware of their technology usage and the potential dangers of sharing location information.
• Support education and programs that raise community awareness and promote respectful relationship behavior among young men.
• Advocate for urgent and sustained action against the pattern of violence against women in Australia.

Original Post:

This article contains references to domestic violence.

The parents of 21-year-old Lilie James, who was murdered inside a bathroom of a Sydney private school by her ex-boyfriend in 2023, spoke briefly outside court to issue a heartfelt plea.

“Please don’t report on positive comments, saying people are ‘good blokes, men, delightful,'” Lilie’s father Jamie James said.

“It’s not acceptable, it’s disheartening and it’s cruel.”

“Lilie had her life cut way too short and not a day goes by that we don’t think of her, or wonder what we could have done to prevent this from happening,” Jamie said.

“Please, if it’s been a while since you talked about violence or abuse against women, whether at home, at work, with friends or in the community, please start that conversation.”

Lilie James was killed by her ex-boyfriend in 2023 at St Andrew’s Cathedral School in Sydney, where she worked as a water polo coach. Credit: Supplied

Jamie and Lilie’s mother Peta were described by NSW state coroner Teresa O’Sullivan as “a powerful presence in this court — their love and grief palpable”.

“Peta’s words — that we must teach boys to respect and value women’s opinions and choices, and to accept rejection — resonate deeply,” O’Sullivan told the court as she handed down her findings from the inquest into the deaths of Lilie, and her killer, Paul Thijssen.

“It is my hope that Peta’s message, and the lessons learnt from this tragedy, echo beyond this courtroom and contribute to meaningful change.”

O’Sullivan’s findings reflected the importance of the James family’s request to refrain from “positive” reporting on alleged perpetrators of domestic or gendered violence in her formal recommendations.

“Media entities that report on intimate partner homicides should recognise that describing violence as being ‘out of character‘ … may reinforce unhelpful community stereotypes,” O’Sullivan said.

“[It] fail[s] to place such homicides in the context of prior coercive control.”

Action needed on technology-facilitated abuse

O’Sullivan did not propose recommendations to any specific agency but outlined “lessons that may be learnt from this tragic case”.

She said education and information is needed to “identify and respond to coercive controlling behaviors, in particular emerging forms of technology-facilitated abuse”, with the inquest hearing Thijssen was using apps like Snapchat to harass and stalk Lilie in the days before her death.

“Individuals should be encouraged to actively consider their use of technology, and the need to share their location with others”, O’Sullivan said, emphasising a “need to target 16 to 24-year-olds”.

The coroner also recommended education and programs to raise community awareness, and advice services targeting young men to promote respectful and healthy relationship behavior.

James was 21 when she ended her “brief relationship” with Thijssen, 23, just days before he “killed Lilie in a bathroom at St Andrew’s using a hammer”.

“Evidence indicates that Paul physically stalked Lilie on seven occasions, he carefully planned his attack and in the hours before the attack, he rehearsed the attack,” the coroner’s findings read.

“The preparation was calculated and was not a momentary loss of control. It was a premeditated killing.”

James “died from multiple blunt force injuries to the head and neck”, the coroner found.

After killing James, Thijssen “jumped or intentionally [fell] from the cliff at Diamond Bay Reserve in Vaucluse with the intention of ending his life”.

The court heard “Lilie and Paul are the youngest case” of intimate partner violence homicide-suicide in the dataset compiled by the Domestic Violence Death Review Team (DVDRT) established in 2010 under the Coroners Act 2009.

“I conclude by acknowledging the alarming and persistent scourge of gendered violence and domestic violence in Australia,” O’Sullivan said.

“Lilie’s death is not an isolated tragedy; it is part of a devastating pattern of violence against women that demands urgent and sustained action.”

She also acknowledged the grief felt by the parents and families of both James and Thijssen.

If you or someone you know is impacted by family and domestic violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732, or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000.

Extra Information:

Learn more about the impacts of domestic violence and how to support survivors:

• White Ribbon Australia
• Our Watch

People Also Ask About:

• What is technology-facilitated abuse? It refers to the use of technology, such as smartphones and social media, to harass, stalk, or control someone.
• How can I help a friend experiencing domestic violence? Be supportive, listen, and provide resources, but avoid pressuring them to leave the situation.
• What is coercive control? Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that involves controlling, threatening, or intimidating another person to gain power and maintain control over them.

Expert Opinion:

Domestic violence remains a pervasive issue in Australia, requiring urgent and sustained action from all levels of society. Focusing on education, awareness, and support can help break the cycle of abuse and promote healthier relationships among young people.

Key Terms:

• Domestic Violence
• Coercive Control
• Technology-Facilitated Abuse
• Intimate Partner Homicide
• Gender-Based Violence

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